Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
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I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Only Americans understand
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder