Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
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People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Breaking news:
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.