Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
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Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
She didn鈥檛 believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there鈥檚 one thing we need to do more of as a couple it鈥檚 recreational arguing
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
馃檳馃檲馃檴
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don鈥檛 do this
ME: oh i鈥檓 just getting started
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
I don鈥檛 want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball