Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
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CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Well. That’s not a good sign.