Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
You Might Also Like
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!