Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
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I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
For the baby who has everything
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door