Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
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friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Me too
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.