If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
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Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
New Tinder profile.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one