i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
You Might Also Like
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.