Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
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Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.