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“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.