Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
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My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?