Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
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If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?