wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
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Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
synchronized noseblowing
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*