“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
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Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.