“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
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Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
So that’s what we looked like?
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.