“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
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[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Whisper out to librarians!
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
when someone compliments me
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.