“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
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Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.