@AaronFullerton: "Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you're calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line..."
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@SuicideBooth1: [couples therapy] Mrs: he's too handsy, always touching me all over... Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS...
@OBiiieeee: Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we're gonna go pro.
@internetluke: [wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work] So the actors really don't die? "No" So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead? *she sighs*
@KeithAshers: Hi, I'm here to see the doctor. -me Witch doctor? -reception Nooo...I think he's Jewish. -me [blank stare] Please sit down.