Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
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The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Me too, bag. Me too….
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff