@jwoodham: Welcome to Applebee's! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
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@murrman5: [helping son prepare for first date] "what if she doesn't like it" *stuffing handkerchiefs up son's sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
@SarahB_D: You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers ... if you find one, what's your plan?
@hipstermermaid: The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
@prufrockluvsong: Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of: -dogs -cars -storm drains -hotels -the street -writers -little girls -the prom