[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
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Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy