It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
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I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.