Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
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Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me