@ClichedOut: Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it's so nice to meet people who don't care how they look
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@Brianhopecomedy: My 5 year old hasn't said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
@UpDocInc: I have twin brothers named Juan and Amal. I only carry a picture of one of them because if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.
@SlappNuttz: I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it. And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
@abbycohenwl: I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I'm in there