Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
You Might Also Like
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders