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[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
ibopfufen
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now