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ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Phonetics
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!