Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
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Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
it’s the silliest best thing
This is funnier than it should be. 😂