Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
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Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.