“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
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Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?