“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
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The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.