Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
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If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.