“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
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Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Nice try, poison.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
it must be school picture day
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
I unironically love this joke.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help