Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
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*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Bit chilly again tonight.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.