Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
You Might Also Like
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Social distancing in Australia:
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
cat vs inanimate object
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”