My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
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HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*