“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
You Might Also Like
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Grow up never but we old may grow we
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Encore…
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
#damn
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.