Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
You Might Also Like
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
scares
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
when someone rings the doorbell
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
fourth time’s the charm
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them