Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
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How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”