I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
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me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.