Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
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*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”