Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
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nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.