How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
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What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
all bases covered
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.