Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
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“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.