“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
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STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
jesus, what did this guy do
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”