“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
You Might Also Like
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
United Steaks of America
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
his wife is probably gonna see that
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”