I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
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This 4th of July, please remember…
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.