“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
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[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
step 6: release the wall snake
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!