Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
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2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”