Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
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I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
#parenting
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*