Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
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*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM